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93. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

76. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

85. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

57. “To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush…I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough…Somebody shoot me in the face.” -Roasting Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ dinner

ANONYMOUS I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

ILIE NASTASE Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

62. Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me “sir”.

Funny Quotes The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

SOCRATES If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

ANONYMOUS A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

ANONYMOUS A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

W. C. FIELDS  I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. 

10. Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?

30. No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to govern.

37. It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.

9. Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

91. I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

1. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

92. A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

66. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

OSCAR WILDE The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.

F. P. JONES Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.

Maya Angelou stands as one of the greatest poets of the 20th century. She was both artist and activist, and her work explores a variety of topics such as identity, feminism, and racism. Maya Angelou’s writing encompasses a dynamic range of emotion that stretches across time to captivate readers. Her words continue to resonate. Whether you’re looking for a line from her poetry or prose, or other commentary from her on writing and life, this selection of her quotes is for you. • It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody. • You can’t use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have. • You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it. • Prejudice is a burden that confuses the past, threatens the future and renders the present inaccessible. • You may write me down in history With your bitter, twisted lies, You may trod me in the very dirt But still, like dust, I’ll rise. • If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. • My mother said I must always be intolerant of ignorance but understanding of illiteracy. That some people, unable to go to school, were more educated and more intelligent than college professors. • Some critics will write ‘Maya Angelou is a natural writer’ – which is right after being a natural heart surgeon. • Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean. • As far as I knew white women were never lonely, except in books. White men adored them, Black men desired them and Black women worked for them. • When you learn, teach. When you get, give. • My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive, and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style. • You don’t have to think about doing the right thing. If you’re for the right thing, then you do it without thinking. • I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

FRANKLIN P. JONES What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. 

Half of people experience some form of mental illness in their lifetimes, yet mental illness is still treated as taboo and tragedy, and mental health taken for granted. These quotes are about bringing attention to mental illness and what a universal experience it truly is. They are not necessarily from people who have themselves experienced mental illness, nor are they all inspiration for people who currently have a mental illness. These are about mental health awareness, the significance of bringing attention and adequate resources to mental health, and the need to develop understanding to overcome the stigma surrounding mental illness. • “Mental illness can happen to anybody. You can be a dustman, a politician, a Tesco worker… anyone. It could be your dad, your brother or your aunt.” – Frank Bruno • “Mental illness is the last frontier. The gay thing is part of everyday life now on a show like ‘Modern Family,’ but mental illness is still full of stigma. Maybe it is time for that to change.” – Eric McCormack • “Sadness is a super important thing not to be ashamed about but to include in our lives. One of the bigger problems with sadness or depression is there’s so much shame around it. If you have it you’re a failure. You are felt as being very unattractive.” – Mike Mills • “My recovery from manic depression has been an evolution, not a sudden miracle.” – Patty Duke • “Mental health needs a great deal of attention. It’s the final taboo and it needs to be faced and dealt with.” – Adam Ant • “People talk about physical fitness, but mental health is equally important. I see people suffering, and their families feel a sense of shame about it, which doesn’t help. One needs support and understanding.” – Deepika Padukone • “Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons, but one out of one.” – Karl Menninger • “We take our kids for physical vaccinations, dental exams, eye checkups. When do we think to take our – our son or daughter for a mental health checkup?” – Gordon Smith • “Self-esteem is as important to our well-being as legs are to a table. It is essential for physical and mental health and for happiness.” – Louise Hart

43. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.

The scientific community and beyond still mourn the brilliant mind and bright spirit of Stephen Hawking. An accomplished physicist and cosmologist, Hawking leaves behind this selection of quotations that reveal his humor and unique perspective on life. Practical yet mindful, Hawkins engaged in a rich, imaginative inquiry into the nature of the universe. His unfailing optimism will continue to motivate and inspire future generations. • Sometimes I wonder if I’m as famous for my wheelchair and disabilities as I am for my discoveries. • Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny. • We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special. • My goal is simple. It is a complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all. • Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales. • Women. They are a complete mystery. • I would like nuclear fusion to become a practical power source. It would provide an inexhaustible supply of energy, without pollution or global warming. • I’m not afraid of death, but I’m in no hurry to die. I have so much I want to do first. • In Britain, like most of the developed world, stem-cell research is regarded as a great opportunity. America will be left behind if it doesn’t change policy. • People won’t have time for you if you are always angry or complaining. • For millions of years mankind lived just like the animals. Then something happened which unleashed the power of our imagination. We learned to talk. • I believe in universal health care. And I am not afraid to say so.

34. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

36. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

CORDEL HULL Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they’re going to catch you in next.

49. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

5. If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

68. We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem – it’s in North Korea.

This page contains information about the famous top 100 funny quotes in many aspects, such as quotes about stupid, amusing, or clever people, quotes that are entertaining, hilarious and hysterical, or simply ridiculous and silly. Also you will find some abstract quotes which are witty and bizarre in general. If that’s what you’re loooking for then this is the place for you. Below you will find a table of the top 100 funny proverbs we offer, containing the best of the best. Enjoy and make sure to save this page in your favourite section for easy reference in the future.

98. If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near fourty.

CHUCK TANNER Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

88. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

15. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Twain, Einstein, Nietzsche – all genius minds deserving of quotes long into the future. Whether you’re looking for a witty retort for when you’re joking with friends over a few poker games after work or you just love reading the insights and observations of some of humanity’s most brilliant minds, you’ll love our top 100 quotes.

17. “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

22. The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.

MAE WEST  Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

JOHN FITZGERALD KENNEDY He had decided to live forever or die trying

ANONYMOUS When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

7. In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsense was God.

96. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

19. If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.

RICHARD BACH Here is a test to find out whether your mission in life is complete. If you’re alive, it isn’t

Moments of change often bring with them great emotion, especially if that moment is a farewell. Some of these quotes are reflections on permanent goodbyes, while others note the feeling of even a temporary parting. Some goodbyes bring pure sadness, while others carry with them a sense of gratitude or hope. Whether you’re trying to say goodbye to someone, reminiscing about a previous goodbye, or simply feeling nostalgic, these quotes are for you. • “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying Goodbye so hard.” – Winnie the Pooh • “Today, I close the door to my past. Open the door to the future, take a deep breath and step on through to start the next chapter in my life.” – Unknown • “Even if you know what’s coming, you’re never prepared for how it feels.” – Unknown • “Relax, enjoy yourself, try something new.” – Unknown • “The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained.” – Unknown • “You can love them, forgive them, want good things for them, but still move on without them.” – Mandy Hale • “A memory last forever, never does it die, true friends stay together and never say goodbye.” – Unknown • “And as you move on, remember me, remember us and all we used to be.” – Unknown • “Every parting is a form of death, as every reunion is a type of heaven.” – Tryon Edwards • “Saying goodbye doesn’t mean anything. It’s the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it.” – Trey Parker • “Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night. I miss you like hell.” – Edna St. Vincent Millay • “A farewell is necessary before we can meet again, and meeting again after moments or a lifetime is certain for those who are friends.” – Richard Bach • “If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.” – Paulo Coelho • “Good bye may seem forever. Farewell is like the end, but in my heart is the memory and there you will always be.” – Walt Disney • “The return makes one love the farewell.” – Louis de Musset • “Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” – Khalil Gibran • “Some folks arrive into our lives and depart footprints on our hearts and we are in no way ever the very same.” – Flavia Weedn • “The story of life is quicker than the wink of an eye, the story of love is hello and goodbye until we meet again.” – Jimi Hendrix • “What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.” – T. S. Eliot • “There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart.” – Mahatma Gandhi • “The two hardest things to say in life are hello for the first time and goodbye for the last.” – Moira Rogers • “Don’t be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.” – Richard Bach • “Yesterday brought the beginning, tomorrow brings the end, though somewhere in the middle we became the best of friends.” – Unknown • “The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again.” – Charles Dickens • “You and I will meet again, When we’re least expecting it, One day in some far off place, I will recognize your face, I won’t say goodbye my friend, For you and I will meet again.” – Tom Petty • “Painful though parting be, I bow to you as I see you off to distant clouds.” – Emperor Saga • “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” – Seneca

4. The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD  Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. 

2. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

73. Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.

31. This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are.

54. You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.

SAMUEL GOLDWYN Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet. 

OSCAR WILDE Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river. 

89. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

101. Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.

97. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

WHITNEY BROWN Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

80. If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.

83. The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dart board.

RONALD REAGAN  You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese.

Martin Luther King, Jr., icon of the civil rights movement, preached a message of love, peace, and justice that fueled an historic movement and earned him a beloved and respected legacy. He’s one of the few individuals with his own national holiday. Yet there’s more to MLK Jr. than his popular legacy. Read this selection of quotations to gain insight on his lesser known views on economic justice, war, and direct action to gain a more complete understanding of MLK’s model and message. His words stand to inspire not only love, but social and political action. Following are some great quotes we thought worth mentioning. • At the center of non-violence stands the principle of love. • It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can keep him from lynching me, and I think that’s pretty important. • We must set out to do a good job irrespective of race. We must seek to do our life’s work so well that nobody could do it better. • I am not interested in power for power’s sake, but I’m interested in power that is moral, that is right and that is good. • A man can’t ride your back unless it’s bent. • Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. • Wealth is the smallest thing on earth, the least gift that God has bestowed on mankind. • Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. • The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. • We must keep moving. If you can’t fly, run, if you can’t run, walk, if you can’t walk, crawl, but by all means keep moving. • I’m getting sick and tired of people saying that this movement has been infiltrated by Communists. There are as many Communists in this freedom movement as there are Eskimos in Florida. • I feel that segregation is totally unchristian, and that it is against everything the Christian religion stands for. • When you are right you cannot be too radical, when you are wrong, you cannot be too conservative. • Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. • If you young fellows were wise, the devil couldn’t do anything to you, but since you aren’t wise, you need us who are old. • A lie cannot live

86. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

77. There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”

74. They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.

69. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck.

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41. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

55. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

99. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?”

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13. Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

53. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

UNKNOWN Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

RICHARD BACH Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names

MAE WEST Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

78. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

Henry David Thoreau was a renowned writer, naturalist and inspiration for all who wish to connect with the simple beauty of nature. He was a key figure of the transcendentalist movement of the early 1800s, a movement which emphasized the beauty and goodness of nature and individuals. Thoreau is perhaps best known for his book Walden, in which he reflects on living a simple, isolated life in a humble cabin in nature. He wasn’t truly out in the wilderness, but rather in a scenic spot nearby a small town— his experiences and writing capture the deep tranquility one can find in such a place of beauty and calm. Thoreau also wrote extensively on political topics of his era. His views leaned toward anarchism, and he was also a staunch abolitionist. Both slavery and the Mexican-American war influence his work “Civil Disobedience,” an essay on engaging in protest against an unjust government. The essay still resonates today, and went on to influence such leaders as Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. • In the long run you hit only what you aim at. Therefore, though you should fail immediately, you had better aim at something high. • I takes two to speak the truth – one to speak and another to hear. • What we do best or most perfectly is what we have most thoroughly learned by the longest practice, and at length it falls from us without our notice, as a leaf from a tree. • We make ourselves rich by making our wants few. • I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion. • Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air. They are where they should be. Now put the foundations under them. • It is not enough to be busy, so are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about? • Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new. • The rich man… is always sold to the institution which makes him rich. • Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it. • It is never too late to give up our prejudices. • I had three chairs in my house, one for solitude, two for friendship, three for society. • Do not trouble yourself much to get new things, whether clothes or friends… Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts. • Make the most of your regrets, never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh. • Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it. • The man who goes alone can start today, but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

25. Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.

UNKNOWN A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

51. There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.

27. By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property.

81. I’m surprized Hitler didn’t round up the toupee people.”

BOB HOPE Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

58. On this show, your voice will be heard – in the form of my voice.

84. “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.”

ANONYMOUS Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.

42. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

ROBERT FROST Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

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100. “You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.” Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars

48. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

38. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

MARK TWAIN  I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. 

This icon of the American civil rights movements often gets less mainstream recognition in light of what some might label a controversial legacy. Born Malcolm Little, his political activity began in earnest while he was in prison, where he immersed himself in books and joined the Nation of Islam. This organization stood in opposition to the civil rights movement’s goals of integration, championing instead black supremacy and empowering black communities apart from white communities. Following a long career as a leader of the Nation of Islam, Malcolm X went on to leave the movement and criticize some of its philosophies and actions. He converted to Sunni Islam and completed the Hajj, traveling throughout the Middle East and Africa in doing so. These transformative experiences, especially witnessing the diversity of worshippers at the Hajj, shifted his perspective on relationships between different races. His ideas around black self-determination, self-defense, and militant resistance to racism and social inequality inspired the philosophy of the Black Panther Party. His autobiography, thankfully dictated before his assassination, describes his life’s physical and philosophical journey in enlightening detail. • I don’t even call it violence when it’s in self defense, I call it intelligence. Nonviolence is fine as long as it works. • Education is the passport to the future, for tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today. • If you have no critics you’ll likely have no success. • Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone, but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery. • Power in defense of freedom is greater than power in behalf of tyranny and oppression. • You’re not supposed to be so blind with patriotism that you can’t face reality. Wrong is wrong no matter who does it or who says it. • To me the earth’s most explosive and pernicious evil is racism, the inability of God’s creatures to live as One, especially in the Western world. • You get freedom by letting your enemy know that you’ll do anything to get your freedom, then you’ll get it. It’s the only way you’ll get it. • If you’re not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing. • Truth is on the side of the oppressed.

ANONYMOUS Every morning, I get up and look through the ‘Forbes’ list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

56. Why is it we don’t always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends? * As Harris K. Telemacher in “L.A. Story” (1991)

RICHARD HARKNESS Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again.

40. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

THOMAS F. JONES, JR. If con is the opposite of pro, what’s the opposite of progress?

If you’ve always had a strong sense of respect for those who can come up with incredibly deep, and very witty and quotable phrases and observations, this is a great find for you on the web. Here you’ll find a collection of some of the funniest, smartest commentary on human nature and the world around us.

Teachers know it but sometimes everyone else takes it for granted: education is an incredibly powerful tool for changing individuals and society. This collection of powerful one-liners authored by famous literary, philosophical, and political figures highlights the nature and impact of education. The authors of these quotes acknowledge education for the unstoppable social and political force that it is. If you find inspiration from them, share with the educators and learners in your lives. • “Education is the key to unlock the golden door of freedom.” – George Washington Carver • “Freedom can occur only through education.” – Friedrich Schiller • “My idea of education is to unsettle the minds of the young and inflame their intellects.” – Robert M. Hutchins • “Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.” – William Yeats • “Education is the art of making man ethical.” – Georg Wilhelm Hegel • “Education is all a matter of building bridges.” – Ralph Ellison • “Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.” – Nelson Mandela • “Education is a debt due from the present to the future generations.”- George Peabody • “Let people have an education and you can’t stop them.” – La Monte Young

ISSAC ASIMOV Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. 

ANONYMOUS By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher…and that is a good thing for any man.

ROBERT ORBEN  Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. 

12. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

72. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

59. There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.

94. When God gives you AIDS – and God does give you AIDS, by the way – make lemonAIDS.

ANONYMOUS A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

JOHATHAN RABAN A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.

64. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.”

90. Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

ANONYMOUS Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.

ANONYMOUS The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.

6. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Classic beauty, famed actress, symbol of sex and scandal, Marilyn Monroe’s cutting wit and enticing personality continues to captivate audiences and admirers decade after decade. This selection of quotes captures the essence of what made her such an icon — an amalgam of pithy humor, confident sex-appeal, and cultivated self-awareness. Here’s some quotes for women by woman that gives a perspective. • Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. • A strong man doesn’t have to be dominant toward a woman. He doesn’t match his strength against a woman weak with love for him. He matches it against the world. • A man has a tendency to accept you the way you are, while most women immediately start to pick flaws and want to change you. • A woman knows by intuition, or instinct, what is best for herself. • I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love. • I want to grow old without facelifts. I want to have the courage to be loyal to the face I have made. • I am not interested in money. I just want to be wonderful. • If I’d observed all the rules, I’d never have got anywhere. • I’ve never dropped anyone I believed in. • First, I’m trying to prove to myself that I’m a person. Then maybe I’ll convince myself that I’m an actress. • Fear is stupid. So are regrets.

75. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

For thousands of years, the philosophy of Confucius has spread across the globe. Once tied to a rigid system of traditional practices in ancient China, Confucius’s teachings live on in the contemporary world, inspiring and motivating individuals worldwide with morsels of wisdom and humor. Take some time to reflect on this selection of Confucius’s sayings which can help you throughout life. • Wherever you go, go with all your heart. • Silence is a true friend that never betrays. • The superior man is distressed by the limitations of his ability, he is not distressed by the fact that men do not recognize the ability that he has. • A man who has committed a mistake and doesn’t correct it is committing another mistake. • Do not impose on others what you yourself do not desire. • When anger rises, think of the consequences. • To see the right and not to do it is cowardice. • He who learns but does not think is lost, he who thinks but does not learn is in danger. • The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential… these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence. • The superior man acts before he speaks, and afterwards speaks according to his action. • It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop. • The man who asks a question is a fool for a minute, the man who does not ask is a fool for life. • Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance. • By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest, Second, by imitation, which is easiest, and third by experience, which is the bitterest. • In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of.

39. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

79. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.

87. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.

60. Folks, the President needs a break. He’s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can’t suck.

16. The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

14. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

52. Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

DAVID DINKINS I remmember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

82. A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

70. Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass. Jon Stewart’s Stand-up performance at RIT, 2005

50. Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!

ROBERT ORBEN I ain’t sleeping. I’m just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.

8. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

ALBERT EINSTEIN  Half of the people in the world are below average.

SAM LEVENSON I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.

45. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

CALVIN He’s so optimistic he’d buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.

61. I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

ALBERT EINSTEIN  I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

CHRIS ROCK  Aren’t the ‘good things that come to those who wait’ just the leftovers from the people that got there first?

29. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.

11. Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.

95. I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

3. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Black And White Funny Love Quotes